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by JR Valrey, Minister of Information, SF Bay View Oakland Bureau
By far, this is one of the most intimate interviews that I have ever done – talking to an author in the grieving process of losing her first child. As a parent myself, it is almost unimaginable when I think about how I would have dealt with a moment like that in my life.
Felicia, as well as her husband, Karega Bailey, have used their love-supreme for their daughter Kamaiu and the loss of her life to trailblaze a documented path teaching Black people, specifically, and people in general, how to deal with the grief in their lives that may otherwise destroy them.
Felicia Gangloff-Bailey has courageously taken her position on the frontline of the battle for the mental health of the Black community, authoring “Sol Affirmations: A Tool Kit For Mothers Who are Investigating Grief’s Process” after the passing of her baby to help others in similar situations.
Sheroes come in many forms, and for somebody to think about aiding others while being in the midst of their family’s darkest hour is beyond commendable. I have personally watched and I give the highest salute to how the Bailey family handled this traumatic situation and turned it into a teachable moment.
Check out Felicia Bailey as she discusses the road she has recently traveled, love, tribulation, grief, the will to keep on going, her new book and much more.
JR Valrey: Can you speak on how you were inspired to write “Sol Affirmations: A Tool Kit For Mothers Who Are Investigating Grief’s Process” after the passing of your first daughter?
Felicia Bailey: Though nothing could have prepared me for a loss like this, I was already in the practice of journaling to Kamaiu before she arrived. I maintained the practice of writing to her after her transition, as a way to remain close to her.
These writings are now evidence of my love for her as her mother, and that the grief I was feeling was love. However, at the time of the writing I did not understand this truth. Yet, it was through the practice of journaling to her and expressing my feelings to her that I found the importance of journaling for myself to understand what I was feeling.
Several months into feeling the highs and lows of my grief and talking with other Angel Mothers, I began to find what I was feeling was normal and okay. But some days, I didn’t have that understanding when measured up next to society. Some days, my feelings weren’t clear, and I would spend the day writing to understand more of what grief was coming to teach me.
Whatever I was feeling, I would write. And I began to find clarity in my grief. When I started to reimmerse myself back into societal norms, I would occasionally find myself at an intersection of cognitive dissonance when processing someone else’s understanding of my loss with my own understanding.
However, these moments became beautiful opportunities for pen to meet paper as a medium to refine what I know to be true about the grief I was feeling. However, I wouldn’t be honest if I failed to mention that this writing was not so simple. The grief was immense.
Though I was afforded the opportunity to feel, I did not want to produce through any creative medium for others to find hope in. Because I had no hope. And the space and feeling of hopelessness was how I felt closest to my daughter.
I feared if I did anything or felt anything else, it would take me further away from her than I already was, coupled with the perception that I must be overcoming my grief, or that there was some spiritual rational reason why I had to lose my daughter.
I found that these things weren’t true. But it was through the process of feeling those fears and exploring the hopelessness through writing, that I was able to understand that the fears I had were not true.
And, in taking the time to feel, rather than running from my fears or rushing back into what I was doing before I had Kamaiu and a version of myself I no longer was, I was able to find the truths about who I was becoming, and what grief was coming to teach me. “Sol Affirmations” are these writings.
Simultaneously realizing that taking the time to explore grief is not necessarily an opportunity that all Angel Mothers have the time or resources to do, these writings are my offering.
JR Valrey: What exactly does the book “Sol Affirmations” have in it? What kind of book is it?
Felicia Bailey: This book has carefully paired words and phrases that are designed to affirm one who is grieving and explore the truth of what they’re feeling in their grief. These carefully designed words are meant to affirm the experience of one’s grief if they should find themselves in deep waters.
When I experienced the double transition of my daughter, Kamaiu, I felt very alone and unrelatable to the mothers I was once pregnant with. In trying to navigate this unexpected and “immediate-peer-unrelated” reality, I began searching for mothers who had experienced the loss of a child at full term. In our conversations, I was affirmed for how I was feeling.
Further, I learned that what I was feeling was normal. I needed to understand this, because when I measured my feelings against the rest of the world around me, I felt out of place and often rushed to return to a version of myself that I once was. And maybe that was ok. But I recognized that it didn’t honor who and where I was presently.
I found myself screaming when the sun would rise and dreading when the sun would set. Time kept moving, despite my deepest desire to stay put on the day my daughter came to this earth.
Additionally, this book offers gentle reminders that the grief felt is normal and okay, and so is the pacing of our grief. Paired with each phrase and gentle reminder is space for writing, to journal through one’s personal processing. The phrase is positioned to create room to process and prompt that processing through the medium of writing.
It is my hope that one who finds themselves turning the pages of this book will not only gently experience their grief, but also, through their writing, will find the massive love that rests there.
JR Valrey: What are some of the tools or techniques that you use on a daily basis to cope with your grief?
Felicia Bailey: Writing has been the most effective tool in helping me understand how I am truly feeling when I can feel the swells of grief. I’ve had to ask myself why I feel the grief, rather than avoid or run from it.
In doing so, I’ve found that when I am able to be with it and write through it, I better understand what it is I am experiencing. And having that understanding has been a pathway in understanding that the grief I’m feeling is the love I have for my daughter.
JR Valrey: Why did you feel like it was important for you and your husband to get on the front lines of helping others to deal with their grief, after being dealt such a horrendous blow as losing your first child?
Felicia Bailey: After I experienced the double transition of Kamaiu, I found myself screaming when the sun would rise and dreading when the sun would set. Time kept moving, despite my deepest desire to stay put on the day my daughter came to this earth. I did not want to move on, for each day felt like despair and moved me further away from her.
Still, time would move and I spent days in my head trying to understand what I just experienced, asking myself why did this happen to me and not any of my friends; replaying everything, trying to find ways to be ok with it, feeling responsible and processing every possible scenario that I desired to go differently.
It wasn’t until I talked with other mothers and parents who have experienced the loss of a child that I realized my feelings were the rightful feelings to feel. In fact, the feelings were familiar. My brain was processing just like the other mothers and parents I talked to.
But it wasn’t until I shared my story with them and their story was shared with me, that I learned this and felt well. I felt normal. I felt okay. I felt connectedness. Our stories connected us. This connectedness was so integral to the understanding of my grief and also being okay with the grief I was feeling.
Finding those parents and hearing those stories became the connectedness and reference I needed to endure the journey ahead, and find the love that rested in grief. Because of their example, I share my story for another mother or parent who may be searching.
For it is when we share our stories, and are open about our feelings, we create opportunities for compassion and connectedness. We create room for reference. We create room for love.
JR Valrey: How do you want people to feel after reading and using this work as a tool?
Felicia Bailey: I want people to feel that their grief is normal and okay. I want people to feel a deep breath. I want people to feel well. I want people to feel that the grief is evidence of their love for their loved one. I want people to feel that their grief is love.
JR Valrey: I read one of the affirmations where you said that your grief changed the definition of your gratitude, and I thought that that was deep. Can you expand on what that means?
Felicia Bailey: Grief is also teaching me how to reframe. And in the reframe, gratitude is redefined. It is the perspective that I can grow from difficult experiences, and that these challenges reveal new layers of my gifting.
our arms were empty for what our hearts still hold
Better than expanding upon it – I’d like to share a bit of my processing. The affirmation you’re referring to is written from feeling the deep anger and sadness of experiencing the loss of my first born child. However, as time allowed me to feel the deep anger and sadness, I was able to understand that these feelings were the evidence of the love I had for her – a love that grew more and more each day, since the day she came.
I realized: Though I don’t get to hold her in my arms, I am forever holding her in my heart. And I would have much rather had her and experienced loving her, than to never have known. Though I grieve Kamaiu and who I once was, I’d rather be Kamaiu’s Mother than to never have been her Mother at all. In redefining my gratitude: The love was worth experiencing. I’m grateful that I haven’t lost the love.
JR Valrey: How did you not let the grief destroy your relationship with your husband? By what means were you able to stay together? What techniques and tools did y’all use?
Felicia Bailey: I can theorize that Karega’s special education background and experiences with the grief of his students and the personal loss of his brother, Kareem Johnson, gave him the gentle perspective I needed from him to see me in my grief and support me.
But this is what I know for sure: Karega had to tell me our daughter didn’t make it. Karega walked out of the hospital first, without our daughter and a box in his hand. Karega waited for me to wake up every morning and embraced me before getting out of bed. Karega walked with me everyday, past our daughter’s decorated bedroom with an empty crib. Karega made provisions for me to sit and grieve.
I had to know Kamaiu to know this; for she is the beginning of it all.
These memories are still vivid in my mind, but I couldn’t tell you what held us together. I just know we held each other tighter than we ever have, because our arms were empty for what our hearts still hold.
JR Valrey: Do you plan to write other how-to books for a Black audience?
Felicia Bailey: It is my hope that I am able to continue to document my ongoing journey with grief as it is contextualized within the Black experience, and be able to share my story. It is my belief that it is when we share our stories we create opportunities for connectedness, opportunities for belongingness, opportunities for reference and opportunities to practice love more abundantly.
JR Valrey: How has having a healthy baby girl after the passing of your first child affected your grieving process?
Felicia Bailey: If I’m honest, I am still processing this. And I have to express gratitude for this question because it creates an opportunity for me to further process. The grief looks differently now. Kamali gives me a new perspective.
And still, I couldn’t be Kamali’s mom without being Kamaiu’s. The grief is interconnected. No two days are the same. Some days I am reminded of the moments I missed that I desired to have. Some days I’m still grieving being the person I was before I had children. Some days their love is so expansive, it is all I feel, and I have gratitude.
I’ve learned from both of my daughters that my capacity to love can only increase beyond what I can see. I never could have imagined a love so expansive in all of my sight. And I had to know Kamaiu to know this; for she is the beginning of it all.
JR Valrey: How can people see the book online? How could people get the physical book in person? And how can people keep up with you online?
Felicia Bailey: Please visit www.solandlove.com to follow our story, find the book and see our offerings, including Karega Bailey’s project, “Prayers of An Angel Father.” Specifically, the book is available through Bandcamp here.
Additionally, you can find “Sol Affirmations,” the deluxe audio experience, as well as our music with Sol Development. I can be found on social media through Instagram @fefemonique and @solaffirmations.
Additionally, it has been the port where Angel Mothers have reached out to me directly. I do my best to respond to each mother sharing their story with me, as an opportunity for support, connectedness, reference and love.
And, if there is anyone looking to further explore grief and love, you can also find our podcast “Sol Affirmations with Karega and Felicia” on the Black Love Podcast Network.
SF Bay View Oakland Bureau Chief JR Valrey, journalist, author, filmmaker and founder of the Black New World Journalists Society, can be reached at blockreportradio@gmail.com or on Facebook. Visit www.youtube.com/blockreporttv and blacknewworldmedia.com to see his work.
