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I have learned it is possible to be sober on March 16, my daughter’s birthday, and, God willing, on August 20, the day she passed
by Georgina Bell
I am 38 years old and changing my whole direction in this moment and in this space. This is the first time I have taken recovery seriously. I have the opportunity for serious thought about my character, actions and even my motives. My recovery must come first, so that everything I love in life does not have to come last.
Born and raised in San Francisco, I was a determined kid who dreamed of being a lawyer to speak for those who were voiceless. I grew up with two moms, a birth mother and a bonus mom. I lost my mother to drugs and then to death. Losing her the second time was devastating.
Every child deserves the support of a loving family. I was removed from my family home at the age of six and lived with my Uncle Joe, and from there I was placed in foster care at 10 years old. In foster care, I was never removed from the Bayview community, where my family was very well known, so when I would try to introduce my foster mom, people would say, “That’s not your mom!” That truth made me very resentful and showed up for me as shame, confusion and anger.
My mother went through struggles in her childhood. She had five children, four daughters all born in her addiction and one son. He is the youngest and her ‘clean and sober baby’. There is an 18-year difference between my brother and me. Even though she loved all of us wholeheartedly, there are lots of resentments – because she was a wonderful mom to him, and not to me.
I would say to her, “You had four other girls.” I felt very unwanted and questioned, “Why does she love drugs more than me?” On a daily basis, I dealt with grief, trauma and heartbreak that I did not even have the tools to express. Over time, my naivete faded away and was replaced with the reality that my mother suffered from drug addiction.
The bond I had with my birth mother did not diminish because I was in foster care. At times, I felt she was not deserving of respect because of her drug addiction, and those thoughts confused me and caused so much pain and guilt. I did not have a childhood, being responsible and worrying about my sisters’ wellbeing.
There were times we went to school to eat because there was no food at home. Even so, no matter what my mother had done or not done, I wanted my mommy.
Somehow, I managed to graduate from high school and that accomplishment, under the circumstances, was a testament to my drive to show my family and others I would survive.
Separating me and my sisters from our birth mother was traumatic and had long-lasting effects on my mental, emotional and physical health. During the periods of foster care, the goal was for my birth mother to improve herself and her situation.
Instead, it was a vicious cycle; my mother would try really hard to get herself together and we would reunite as a family, then, as her addiction grew worse, we would return to Child Protective Services (CPS) and be placed with our foster mom.
My foster mom was there then and now. We still have a very healthy relationship. She is a hairdresser and did the best she could with the resources available to her. She gave us love. I wanted more. I wanted what the cool kids had, the new Jordans and pretty new outfits. So, I started selling drugs.
The rebellion, defiance and easy access to drugs made it convenient to start dealing. I lied to my foster mom about having a legit job and saving money. Then one day while I was giving her some money in denominations of one and five-dollar bills, she became suspicious. She told me, “My customer told me you’re selling dope!” I did not outright deny what I was doing, I just went around the question.
I could have easily remained with my foster mom in a stable environment, but I chose my independence. I became emancipated at 16 years of age and moved to a hotel. I used the money to pay the rent. I knew finishing my education was important, so I continued going to school.
I was part of the Black Student Union (BSU), ROTC and even the music department – learning to play the flute. I was not able to stick with these activities to take things to the next level, always feeling like I was on the outside looking in. At the end of the day, I returned to a hotel room and my schoolmates returned to loving, stable homes – at least I thought so.
Somehow, I managed to graduate from high school in Daly City. That accomplishment, under the circumstances, was a testament to my drive to show my family and others I would survive.
My mother finally got clean when I was 17 years old. We became friends.
Seven years ago, in 2015, she suffered a seizure and as a result was placed on life support. At the end, while she was in the hospital, I would bathe her and help care for her. When no more could be done medically, my foster mom came and we all decided removing her from life support was the best decision.
The adverse childhood trauma played a big part in my own decision to eventually have children. I had my first child, a son, at 28 and my second child, a daughter, at 32. In my own addiction, I become the person I never intended to become, unreliable and selfish, only thinking of my own desires.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw my mother. I vividly remember screaming at my mother, “I’ll never treat my kids like you treat me!” And, somehow, I found myself in the same predicament.
I hid my drug use from my family by simply disappearing. Now, my sisters show up for me. I was the one who never divulged my fears or concerns when things were bad. I would say, “Everything is okay” when things were a mess. In 2016, I resurfaced in my pain and addiction after the deaths of my infant daughter, Uncle Joe and my mother.
I cannot even explain the depth of the pain.
From August 2016 through October 2021, there was not a day when I was not high. During that time, I went to the county jail for offenses related to my addiction. I tried to ease my pain and free my mind of these horrible losses by smoking marijuana, moving to ecstasy, and gradually, when nothing else seemed to work, using meth. The meth was my comfort to numb all the feelings, pain, disappointment and trauma.
The starting point of me wanting to get some help was Oct. 31, 2021. I had spent some time with my son on Halloween and as I was leaving, I said, “Son, I’ll see you next weekend,” and he said, “Mom, I’ll see you in a couple of months.”
I felt he was giving up on me. I love him so dearly, and it’s hard even now, to know that I have not been there for him. Guilt is what I feel as a parent. Guilt because as a mom, it’s my job to protect my kids. And me just not knowing what the hell to do. I cannot even explain the depth of the pain.
Now, with Positive Directions’ intervention, I have learned it is possible to be sober on March 16, my daughter’s birthday, and, God willing, on August 20, the day she passed. Especially, sharing with some of the ladies of Positive Directions like Rena Wade, Lisa Wood-Oliver and Mackenzie Houston, as well as Cregg Johnson and Cedric Akbar, has given me the tools and a support network. I am no longer looking in, I am leaning in.
Today, my past shows up as overcompensation. If I run out of something it drives me nuts, so I have to have everything, because I’m scared I will not have it when I need it. That turns into another addiction, compulsive behavior or hoarding things. Now, I pay attention to my behaviors, motives and actions.
As far as resentments, I’m still working on those. I am working to shift the narrative from victim to survivor. I have been in recovery for eight months. This is new and, in this moment, I want recovery more than anything.
Having the chance to fail and learn to overcome is one of the greatest gifts I was given by my birth mother and bonus mom. Goals for the future right now are to remain sober, be able to take my son on a Disney cruise on Halloween, complete my parenting classes, remain with Positive Directions Equals Change and continue to build a life for me and my family. I intend to “fight the good fight, finish the race and keep the faith,” 2 Timothy 4:7.
If you or someone you know needs help for addiction or co-occurring disorder issues, please give us a call. Positive Directions Equals Change, a community-based organization in the Bayview, offers classes and support groups each day of the week. If we aren’t the best fit for you or your loved one, we will take the necessary time to work with you to find a treatment center or provider that better fits your needs. Please give us a call at 415-401-0199 or email our team at recoverycorner@pd4life.org. The schedule is pictured and all are welcome.
